28th Oct 2019

Marked the day where my MIL summoned me in front of the whole household. Again, confronting face to face and throws off ‘discussion’ to my face. Somehow, i felt proud for being able to hold myself in throughout HER whole 'conversation’.

So, what actually she’s so discontented about? That she forgot to consider how had she humiliate me in front of Everyone.

Why did i boycott her?
Why did i boycott her since she 'advised’ me on the clothes that i wore?
She felt dishearten by the fact that she chose the wrong life partner for his son.
She claimed that never in her life as a mother that her son acting the way he is after he married me.
She questioned what’s the use of those little circles that i attend to if i have very poor attitude.
She prayed that my sons will treat me the way that i did to her.
She said that didnt i realise that she is the mother of my husband?
She felt dissatisfied that we spent 99 percent at my place and one percent at hers.
She claimed that if my parents have yet time to educate me, she will do so on my parents behalf. She felt dishearten by the fact that me and her could not get along happily. She said that she want to accept me as her own daughter not as a DIL. But those are shattered as i acted the way i did.
She felt extreme sad when i 'snatched’ my son from coming with her last raya.
She apologise to her son for choosing the wrong women. And for saying these out loud. She hope that her son will live happily ever after.

And this is the night where i finally heard my FIL said to her please stop, why you saying all these.
MIL apologised to her son and husband for this and said she could not contain anymore. She cried everyday on why it has happen the way it does.
She said that i belittle her for who she is. She said i come and go, keeping myself in the room with the hphone not mingling with everyone. She said that she apologise if her house was too dirty for my to step in.
She questioned that her son even have to pack things up for me before we deoart from the house.

She’s going on saying things that i have never said..

She questioned her son. Reminding him that he is the man. He should have power over things. But seeing how she emotionally confront me and refuse to back down when her husband said so, it seems that she too is not walking the talk.

I looked at my husband. Face reddened. I looked at my feet, the clock on the wall and only catch the glimpse of my MIL during the whole 'discussion’ thingy. My heart was calm only rippled mildly throughout. I felt at loss, speechless, and unfair. My 2 months old son was crying helplessly and being coaxed by FIL. My words were only silence.

I thought of rebutting. But on second thought, it was no use.

Finale, my husband rise and apologise and the scene where his mother hugged her and cried extremely.

I thought of dashing out the door. But i rose, salam her and went by without making any eye contact with anyone.
Forgot my baby, i immediately stepped into the car. FIL come to me and handed over the baby and said “ jangan serik datang sini, selalu2 lah datang”
I could no longer reply nor look into his eyes.

I closed the door. My heart sanked. I monologued.
“Abah, you’re too late. I am broken. I will never come back. Maybe i should back away from everyone’s lives.”

May you be granted what you always have wanted.. the best DIL for your only son.

I should leave..

my son alhamdulillah has already reached 2years old.

he learn many new exciting things.. he’s an explorer.

he loves to wear baju melayu, kurta or jubah, i named them ‘baju cantik’

he loves following us to the mosque, this is apparent during ramadhan..

unfortunately,

this one person who claimed to be 'religious’ and that one person who insist on bringing my son to the mosque when he was just 3 months old.. was the one person who banned my son from going to the same place.

her reason to be, her friends wanted to listen to her son being an imam again. bringing my son would disrupt the whole thing. so leave him home.

plain cruel. old woman.

SITUASI SATU

hari isnin
i: abang, jadi tak kita pegi kenduri kawan saya ni?
s: bila? bolehlah kalau takde pape
i: ok. kita pergi ye.

hari sabtu
s: jom pi rumah mama ada sedara datang raya pagi ni.
i: hmm ok tapi jadik tak pegi kenduri kwn sy tgh ni?
s: jadik la. kul 11 kita balik.
jam 12 tengahari..
i: abang..dah tengahari ni..nak pi lepas zohor ke sekarang?
s: lepas zohor la, kita rehat dlu.
jam 2..
i: abang bila nak bangunnya..
jam 3..
i: abang..
s: pegilah awak dengan anak kita tu.. hujan ni..

T_T

SITUASI DUA

hari isnin
i: abang, mak saya nak buat openhouse sabtu ni ajak sedara dan anak murid
lepas tu kita konvoi raya umah sedara
s: okay. bagi je nama kita.
i: hari jumaat malam tu tidur rumah mak ye. nak kena tlg mak rewang. mak nak masak.
s: okay.

hari jumaat
i: abang saya beli macam-macam ni untuk mak tuk openhouse esok.. ada udang, kerang, sotong, dna ikan tenggiri
s: hmm.. cuba tgok wasap saya ni (jam 6pm hari yang sama). hakak ajak sambut birthday anak dia lah.
i: (diam)…
s: kita gerak lepas maghrib ye..mrk kirim sate
i: kan dah janji nak tlg mak saya?
s: ….
i: takpelah awak kan suami. sy mmg kena ikut.
s: nanti lepas makan celebrate..kita baliklah tolong-tolong..
jam 9 malam
s: hakak mana suami ko, bila nak datang?
h: dia pi amik adik kat kolej baru otw..
i: zzzzz
jam 10 malam
h: haa sampai dah depa.. jom sambut bday! amik gmbar jom!
i: ….
s: jom makan awak. nanti mlm nanti kita balik tidur rumah mak ye.

T_T

satu kebisuan yang hampir menjadi dua..

mengapa?

setiap tindak-tanduk diperhati rupanya..
oleh seorang manusia yang mengaku ibu..
di hadapan ku tersenyum manis..
di belakang, diadukan setiap perlakuanku kpd insan lain..
dalam diam aku dihina, harga diri bagai di-injak-injak..
diadu-dombakan semuanya kepada insan lain..mengenai aku..
allahu..

sekembalinya aku dari tempat kerja..
mengambil anakku darinya menjadi rutin harian..
seberapa banyak drama telah berlangsung..
dari awal..gerak hati ku menidakkan tindakan suamiku..
agar jgn dibiarkan anakku dijaga ibunya..
hatiku diruntun pilu..
suamiku berkeras..jika aku berdegil, dia langsung tidak mahu menghirauku..
sedaritu..ku pendam..
mengapa mereka tidak mengerti..?

di suatu ramadan..
setiap hari mengajak ke surau untuk beribadah..
dibanding-banding anakku dengan anak yang lain di taman..
“anaknya tiga bulan sudah dibawa ke surau” - sinis
di surau..
anakku dikelek kehulu dan kehilir..
ini cucuku! ini cucuku!
ketika makan juga ingin dikendong anakku..
“anakku..” rintih hati kecil ini..
melihat kesusahan ibu tadi ketika makan iftar..
kucuba mengambil anakku darinya..
dipanggil adik iparku untuk mendukung anakku..
sedang aku di hadapan mahu mengambilnya..
aku tegaskan jua..mengambil anakku darinya..
“sy sudah selesai..mari anak ini”..
setelah puas dia melantak makan..dan bersembang sakan..
laju dia ingin kembali untuk maghrib..
maka, anakku direntap dari tangan ku dan dibawa baring berdekatan dgnnya..
terkesima..
hati ni bagai dirobek-robek..
setelahnya aku langsung mengelak membawa anakku ke surau..

diamku dianggap sombong..
dudukku di ruang tamu setelah membantu di dapur..
dianggap malas bagai sang raja..
apa yang boleh kubantu..? soalku setiap kali menyapanya di dapur
tiada apa-apa jawabnya..
pabila ku bermain bersama anak setelah itu..
di beritakan pada suami bahwa lagakku umpama bos-bos..
tidurku di kamar dianggap picu kemalasan anaknya ke surau!
allahu..

tidak tahu kpd siapa harus ku lontarkan perasaan ini..
aku hidup dalam kemurungan..
nangis ku setiap malam bagai menangis kematian insan yg kusayang..
hiba dan sayu..
takmampu meluah kpd suami..kerana itu ibunya..
maka menangis lah menahan hati..

pernah ku bertanya suami..
tidak mahukah kau menceraikan ku?
aku tidak lagi mampu berlakon seperti tiada apa-apa yang berlaku

I stopped wassaping her. Because it was no way to talk to her and reason with her. My effort to discuss with her husband drain in vain. He backfire and never interested in the conflict his wife has caused.

She continue to act all great and mighty.

One day she calls her son on weekend using a home number, three times and he did not pickup her call. She went back to my mother and wassaping asking where on earth are we? not readily available whenever she wanted us there. She always envious if we get back to my mother’s house. But we weren’t there either. My mother contacted me afterwards. Stranger it is, she never called my phone number.

My name is Sakinah. The meaning behing my name is tranquility, calm and serenity. And because i believed that i am meant to be calm, anything that stirs the emotion would be hazardous, maybe, to the extent.

i am guilty.

Everytime he invited me to his mother’s house, i would show reluctance and would find any excuse to not going there.

we had history that i could not take away from this memory.

His mother destroyed the calmness within me. Had i stayed, it would become dissastrous since i started wailing each night. i started to yell loudly behind my doors since i could not get anyone in the house to listen. i started to be so damn furious to him that i threatened him. had he not make the right decision again, he would be finish. he’s a poor decision maker when it comes to his mother. i know and understand why, finally.

His mother.

changes decision every now and then. today she say let’s do plan A. tomorrow, she decides to change and go with plan B. it would be okay to be doing that sort of thing moderately, but she has gone beyond. if her decision was not met, she would slightly nod in front of you and at the back she start wassaping the group and bombarded the group with infografiks that tells how one child should not be disobedient towards their parents, how rude of them to say no towards their parents and how derhaka that one child towards their family.

the absurd thing is.. the family just accept things.

and i don’t.

My family doesn’t teach me to bow to anyone because of their position. The truth be told regardless. this woman shows dictatorship. the husband was forever quiet and let things pass since he got bigger problem to think about - his heart health. So, this woman take charge of everything til their daughters could no longer make decision for themselves. They rely almost everything to her. She’s a proud mom.

maybe things started way before we got married. i got a bad hunch of marrying the man eventhough he was claimed to have everything that one could be envy of; a huffaz, a khatib, an imam. i have no right to say ‘no’ at the time, because i have no other options myself.

soon later we got married, i asked, why do you get married? at what age actually you want to get married?

he answered; at age 32 when i am more stable. now, i get married because my mom wishes me to do it but it my choice that i pick you.

There are many things that went wrong. But he is a kind person. He wanted to be kind. I learn that everything he had wanted to do since he’s little was never met. He abide and follow what his father wanted for him. His father wanted him to be a huffaz.. so they sent him to learn in Kelantan and at the end he became one. Alhamdulillah. Not all turn into vain. His siblings look up to him and follow his footsteps.

He desire to become a doctor but his path was again lead towards studying what he doesn’t interested with. But he play along and achieved what his parents wanted him to do. Back home he applied to further his interest in islamic finance. but it doesn’t turn well. since he was asked to get married and get a job at the same time. He could not focused on things he love. Again he was shut down. He could not finish his study and the parents said; what a dissapointment you are. This. further. shut him down. He continue living. Silently trying a different paths. He continue on working.

Why i am telling all this.

I dream of something when i married him. Just simple dreams.
When your husband watch out for you.
when your husband read tarbiyah books together with you after prayer.
When we could read ma'thurat together after solat.
when my son could follow him to masjid.
when your husband offer to be your quran teacher.

it has yet to happen…
i dream of it still…
i know i continue to be dissapointed..
but i hope things will get better ..

#HOPE2018

words-of-emotion:

- Unknown

(via elsajida)

(via elsajida)

elsajida:

InshaAllah. Goodnight ❤️☺️ #goodnight #elsajidaShares #reminder